Hello Substack. This short series is something different from my usual offering of long-form, semi-political, barely legible essays and badly recorded demos of my songs.
It may be of no interest to anyone but as I have said before, anything I write I write for me. I write to take what is overly occupying my mind and put it on the page. This helps me get closure on an issue (temporarily) and allows me to sleep. Anyway, this is what I need to dump onto a page this week so bear with me. Dime-store philosophy and half-baked hot takes will resume shortly.
The other day, I was listening to a podcast where an esteemed psychologist kept referencing ‘The Big Five’ personality traits. I’ve heard this term before used by Dr Jordan Peterson and others in reference to people's political leanings, along with terms such as ‘high in conscientiousness’ or ‘low in openness’, etc.
My curiosity was piqued so I decided to take the test myself as an exercise in introspection. Upon getting my results I thought I might as well document the process as a shameless way to generate ‘content’ for my Substack.
I took this online version of the test because it's free and being a Dime Store Philosopher and unemployed musician doesn’t pay too well. There are better versions of these tests on more established outlets but they are behind paywalls so this one will have to do.
I thought of writing one post that included all of these but it ended up being a VERY LONG essay (even for me) so I’ve split it down into 5 posts, 1 post per category. With that out of the way, here goes…
The Big Five character traits are Neuroticism, Extraversion, Openness to Experience, Agreeableness and Conscientiousness. All five were scored on scores out of 20 in 6 subcategories (0-120 points scale total) and the data is collected by asking the test taker to answer how accurately a series of statements describe their personality by their own judgement. You answer on a 5 point scale between ‘Very Inaccurate’ and ‘Very Accurate’.
Who The Fuck Am I? - Part I: Neuroticism
Here are my results in a broad view. I’ll expand on these BIG FIVE each in turn in individual short essays.
The first trait is NEUROTICISM which this site defines as ‘the tendency to experience negative feelings’. It measured this by mining data about me regarding its subcategories Anxiety, Anger, Depression, Self-Consciousness, Immoderation & Vulnerability.
‘Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional’.
Who you callin’ a pussy?!!!
Honestly, in my younger days I would have agreed. Naturally I am quite emotional and sensitive but I feel I have been hardened over the years by the drag that is working-class English life. My emotional responses these days are actually very measured and understated and on many occasions I can appear cold and unfeeling. This is an act. Or more accurately it is a concerted effort to remain stoic in the face of outside stressors. I make a conscious effort not to react emotionally to high pressure situations and take great pride in the fact that I have on several occasions been asked ‘How are you so calm’ when I find myself in them. I normally reply like Ross Gellar in Friends… ‘Unagi’!!!
I look calm, but it’s all an act. I do this because I honestly believe that certain situations, (if not most) are best approached with thought rather than feeling, with the obvious exception of interactions with creative art.
People often tell me that a lot of things cannot be intellectualised but I’m not entirely convinced by that sentiment. How often does getting angry, offended, scared, hysterical, panicked or otherwise upset really help any situation? Calmness is key to high pressure situations, I believe. Unagi!
Anxiety: 18 (high)
‘The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless’.
If one word has ever been overused this century it is either ‘anxiety’ or ‘oppressed’.
I definitely exhibit the first a lot though, and have for a long time. That’s why I have an overbearing urge to stock up on canned foods and petrol whenever I watch the news. It’s why I see the Bolsheviks in every left wing policy and the Gestapo in every Right Wing one. It’s why I fear ending up in a Gulag and can’t sleep for days anytime I hear the words ‘Mutually Assured Destruction’. I have to stop and ask myself ‘Are you overreacting, Peter? You are prone to overreacting and catastrophizing, aren't you?’
Seriously though, I negate this with humour, for one. Secondly, FUCK anxiety. It’s just worrying about the future and looking at the world we’re in, we should all be fucking anxious. After 10 years of being surrounded by wokery I am sick to the back teeth of this word as it has been invoked by every soft twat who identifies with their victimhood to shirk any real responsibility. Fuck this word. It has lost all meaning at this point.
Anger: 9 (low)
‘Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily’.
This is probably why I am so calm in high pressure situations in spite of my incessant worrying, I recognise the uselessness of anger very quickly and suppress it. My Dad would always go straight from 0 to 100 when he lost his temper, normally with inanimate objects. ‘BLASTED, FLAT PACK FURNITURE!!!”
By my teens I found it funny how little this helped the situation he found himself angry with. In fact, his anger invariably made them worse. I never wanted to be like that so I have always avoided anger if it can be helped. I fail regularly of course because I am only human, but I know losing my rag is almost always a needless hindrance that is best avoided. Until the Mrs brings home a brand new purchase from IKEA, that is.
Depression: 19 (high)
‘This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficulty initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings’.
HUW-WEE!!! I knew this one was coming. I don’t talk about this often because there is nothing more annoying than people talking about their own ‘Anxiety & Depression’ or using mental health as a bat in the ‘Grievance Olympics’. I have dealt with this a long time and I manage it accordingly without the need to broadcast it to the whole world like some narcissistic diva. If you have depression, tell your family and your doctor, not your followers. There’s little worse than people who weaponise and monetise their mental health issues for clicks or intersectional oppression points. Fuck those guys.
Self-Consciousness: 20 (high)
‘Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticise or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations’.
Tell me you're an artist without telling me you’re an artist.
A crippling fear of criticism that prevents you putting out your art for years. A fear of rejection and the subsequent ridiculing of your failure that is so strong you almost never tried anything at all. Constant embarrassment and shame. Reliving past embarrassments constantly in one’s mind, years after the events are almost certainly forgotten by all others involved. A feeling of ‘Imposter Syndrome’ in the face of any actual success.
I have got to the point where I think these are innate and inherent qualities of an artist: I’m not sure one could even be considered an artist without them. It is something that nearly every artist has to reckon with and overcome in some way. The best thing I’ve found is just to put art out there regardless, consequences be damned. It's the only way to improve as a creator and certainly the only way you’ll ever get noticed.
Immoderation: 20 (high)
‘Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge’.
Hedonism is my only vice! My Liberal artistic leanings definitely push me towards short term gratification and impulsiveness. It’s the most leftist personality trait I have and the one that I have to consciously fight hardest. I have a tendency to overeat, binge drink, overspend and give no thought for the morrow. My head knows that delayed gratification is the driver of long term success and I feel these two aspects of my ‘soul’ (for lack of a better term) fighting this battle on a daily basis.
Vulnerability: 11 (low)
High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed.
Another trait that offsets my anxiety in high pressure situations and allows me to stay calm and high functioning under stress. Thank fuck for that. UNAGI!!!!
Well, that’s part 1 done! I continue this shameless and narcissistic exercise in introspection tomorrow in ‘Who the fuck am I? Part II: Extraversion’…
Until then, thanks for reading
The Common Centrist
You have all the traits of a creative writer. But you must be careful because you have a tendency to lean into bitterness and resentment. Always take things slow and never compare yourself to anyone else.
You can't be an artist without having some sort of anxiety 😢